Forget for a moment that Dr. Kirschner is a nationally-known
author, speaker, and coach. Truthfully, no one at the conference knew who he
was before the keynote. Afterwards, we could not stop talking about him
and his insights. He shared the science behind how we communicate, and how to
turn that science into conscious steps for increasing connectivity. I tried to capture highlights from his presentation. Every moment was informational -- I would hazard to say "transformational." Apologies if I missed the order; and thank you, Dr. Kirschner, for sharing your wisdom. I hope I captured the essence of your teachings.
We strive to click with people to make a friend, make a change,
make a deal, or make a memory. Did you know…
55% of the meaning we derive from our interactions is based
on the visual message – what we see in
body posture, animation (or lack thereof), and facial expressions.
38% of the meaning comes through voice – in tempo, volume, and style. By style, he meant what we
need through the communication, and how that affects how we sound. There are
four needs/styles:
|
Need
|
(Speaking) Style
|
|
|
Action
|
We want direction or
movement (towards or away)
|
How this sounds is direct
and to the point. “Do it.”
|
|
Accuracy
|
We want to connect the
dots. We won’t make a leap of faith, we want step-by-step instructions.
|
Indirect and detailed.
“Based on the study of all of the parameters and in discussion with several
experts on the topic, we recommend that the group do the suggested course of
action.”
|
|
Approval
|
We want to feel connected
and safe.
|
Indirect and considerate.
“I was wondering, if you don’t mind and it wouldn’t be too much trouble, if
you could maybe do this thing I am thinking about, and you know what, never
mind, forget I ever asked…”
|
|
Attention
|
We want to feel important
and validated for our contribution(s).
|
Direct and high energy.
“I know, I know! We should DO IT!! And here’s an idea on how…”
|
7% of the meaning comes through the words that are actually said. WOW.
There are 5 reasons we try to communicate with each other (and
why listening can pay off big dividends).
1.
People want to be heard
and understood.
2.
People like to hear
themselves talk.
3.
People are drawn to
people who LISTEN.
4.
Information is power
(those who know, grow).
5.
People don’t know what
they are talking about!
If you listen on all 3 levels (visual, voice, and the words),
you can find out what is really going on, “go deeper,” and develop a connection
with just about anyone. Your goal is to get back to the 1st reason for
talking/listening – to be heard and understood. If the other person feels
that you heard them and understood them, you've made the connection.
We have an amazing ability to find commonalities and resonate
with others. And yet, we resist it.
Dr. Kirschner spent some time explaining that in human relationships, there is
not “lukewarm.” You’re either with me, or against me. A large part of how we
read whether you are with or against is through body language. If you are with
me, you will match, or “blend,” your physicality with mine. Dr. Kirschner has a quick video snippet of how
“blending”completely changed a potentially confrontational situation: No one cooperates with anyone who seems to be against them
So how do you listen to Go Deep? Four steps:
1.
Give non-verbal
attention. Nod like you completely understand what is being said.
2.
Give vocal attention,
saying “uh-huh” in the appropriate places.
3.
Back-track. Say back what
they are saying, even if it is just one word.
4.
Ask open-ended questions.
Always back-track before asking a question, especially if you
don’t understand what they said. “Oh, NDPES permit. Tell me more.” And if
you are really confused, ask for relevancy. “I thought you were talking about
this [statement]. What does this [new statement] have to do with that [original
statement]?”
Once you have developed a connection, then you can influence
them to help you, your company, your team, etc. In general, influence is about
motivation. And while you can apply pressure, you cannot apply motivation.
People motivate themselves; you can’t do it for them.
Did you catch that?
People motivate themselves; you can’t do it for them.
So how does developing a connection enable you to influence them
to do what you want/need? By uncovering what motivates them, so you
can tailor your want/need to also satisfy their want/need. The art of
persuasion means beginning with the end in mind. Knowing what YOU want from
them changes the way that you interact with them. If all you know is what you
DON’T want, that is all you will ever get! So “clicking” with them, finding
sincere connection, will help you get to what you (and they) want. Keep in
mind:
1.
People have their reasons
2.
People are predictable
3.
If you can predict it,
you can plan for it.
4.
All of us are smarter
than any of us.
Bad behavior usually means the person is doing the best they can
with the resources they have. They have their reasons. Do you want to
spend all of your time figuring out why they do what they do, say what they
say, and analyze every nuance of their behavior? Of course not! You need to
LISTEN for what motivates them, and play to those strengths. If you ever once
figure out what motivates them, you can connect with them again and again.
Being mindful that all of us together have better answers (to just about
everything) than any one of us, makes us open to the benefits that connecting
can bring.
Motivation is about moving towards something, or away from
something. Mark Zweig commented on this on Twitter -- “Exactly. Motivation is
about dissatisfaction.” Ok, so we’re either moving away from something we’re
dissatisfied with, or towards something we think will satisfy us. Most of us
fall into one of these 6 motivators (toward/away):
Dr. Kirschner’s Motivational Model
|
Motivator
|
Toward
|
Away
|
|
Values
|
right
|
wrong
|
|
Reward
|
gain
|
loss
|
|
Challenge
|
success
|
failure
|
|
Esteem
|
worth
|
worthlessness
|
|
Purpose
|
fulfillment
|
emptiness
|
|
“Other”
|
pleasure
|
pain
|
This is different than personality types, which Dr. Kirschner doesn't really believe in. He says they are too limiting, and they encourage
others to “box” the people they interact with. People are messy, they don’t fit
into neat boxes. [He shared this funny 4 Personality Types slide and asked us
which box(es) we fit into… 4 Personality Types.]
People are drawn to people to listen, not to people who have the
most to say. When you listen on all 3
levels, Go Deep with your active listening skills, make a connection, and
identify (through what you see and hear) what motivates a person, you can make
your interaction meaningful for them AND you. Hold your focus, keep the content
meaningful, and keep it connected.
In the end, all you can do is manage yourself. You listen –
you respond. If you are listening well, you can respond in such a way that the
other person will respond to you, and together, you can make anything happen.
Want more information and tips? Dr. Kirschner has several podcasts on the web: Podcasts
What am I doing differently now to “click” with others? Strike
up a conversation with me for a real-life example. My goal is to be a S.A.G.E.
- “set a great example.”
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